I think I'm going to take some of the magic dust I got for my birthday and go somewhere. Not too far away. But far enough away to get away. To rebalance - recalibrate. Maybe a cabin somewhere in the hills. Fall colors in the trees. Maybe a little rain. A couple of good books. A fireplace. Better yet, an outdoor fire pit. Some music - old stuff - John Denver, James Taylor, Eagles, Joni Mitchell. But also some Jimmy Buffet - some fun stuff! Sounds heavenly.
I've been under the weather for about a week and a half. I don't get sick very often. In fact it's been a couple of years. But this bronchitis hit me like a truck. I sometimes have days where I don't want to go to work, don't want to get out of bed. But with this bout of bronchitis, I couldn't get going even if I wanted to. It was a bit of a reality check to realize how much I take for granted waking up every day and feeling pretty healthy, despite all my bad habits. I'm sure the stress of the last few months helped to bring me to the point of hitting a wall - mental health has so much to do with physical health. Not only do I take for granted my health, I can't even fathom going through life feeling so fatigued all the time - something that plagues so many people every day. I feel like I lost a week and a half. I couldn't go see my dad - I didn't want to take the chance of getting him sick. Missed a couple of days of work, worked a couple of days where I was basically missing. Didn't accomplish a lot, at home or work. Ugh. But I woke up today, realizing I was going to get back to normal (and what is normal???) - feeling like I was back in the land of the living. So I dove back into it all today! I'm realizing it's going to take awhile to be 100%. Once again - the cosmos is telling me to slow down. So much for all my new perspectives over the last couple of months - of finding a new balance - of making the best of everyday! The need for occasional recalibration is a fact. I can come to conclusions about how to live my life, but I need to be more mindful of practicing that and taking care of myself. Vitamins, exercise, vegetables, sleep......
I'm getting back to my quest this week. Just today got the final word on Dave's driving evaluation - he's good to drive. Contacted Social Security again - he's supposedly been approved and should hear officially in two weeks. On Friday, I call a hotline for seniors to hopefully get some guidance on what happens to retirement funds we have if Dave needs to go into a nursing home - what are assets the would keep Dave from qualifying for Medicaid, and what assets would the state have a right to as a part of Medicaid recovery. Maybe Dave won't ever need to go to a nursing home - maybe he'll be around another twenty years! It's scary, and selfish, to wonder what will happen to me if he gets really sick - and dies. I've always thought that at least I have the house to sell and have some money to live off of, but that won't happen if Dave needs to go into a nursing home. When he began getting his retirement from PERS - which isn't a great amount of money after the medical insurance premiums come out - but it is set up for the same amount to come to me upon his death. Will the state get that? Is my 403b plan through my work going to be mine? I have to figure out if I change all my beneficiary information to my kids? Or to a trust? Or do I just trust that things will work out, that Dave will just be here at home, that we'll be able to manage. It's funny - I'm usually really good with going with the flow - with adapting to how things are - but it really shakes me because I'll be doing it alone for all intents and purposes - I'll have to figure it out myself - I'll have to make it work. I know it's been that way for awhile. But knowing it'll be that way for the rest of my life - and that I have to make some plans - in case I die, or in case I live - just seems so surreal. But I have a long time to get used to the thought, I guess. And, many people are doing this everyday right along with me. They are going through the same seemingly impossible situations - no, in fact, they have far more troubles then I do. I have to remind myself that I have many people who love me and will help me through all this. So I won't be doing this alone. I won't be able to do it alone.
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