Another long week. Had to go back to the doctor and get another round of antibiotics. I think today I've finally regained some energy. I actually stayed home Thursday afternoon and most of Friday - went to work very early on Friday so as not to spread any germs. But it has been tough to not see my dad. I did venture over last Sunday while I was feeling better for the day - wore a mask - stayed six feet away - only stayed for a short time. But he already seems "smaller" and pale - more tired - sort of becoming a shadow of himself. This is not unexpected with his cancer. But still disconcerting - it's happening. He spends most days in his chair - sleeps there - doesn't get up as much. Says he can feel that he is getting weaker. Ugh. It's been over three weeks now - but I don't want to be the person who gets him sick with a respiratory infection of some kind that he can't recover from. And I know there are things he wants to talk to me about since I'm his executor. Things I'm supposed to do. Phone calls I should be making. But the energy had been zapped from me. I should know better then to power through an illness - I should have taken the time to recuperate. I hope to go over tomorrow evening if he's up to it.
My husband and I are taking a road trip to Florida to visit our son in the Coast Guard. I want him to see his dad - while things are still pretty stable. My son will be out at sea beginning December 1 for 50 days. He'll miss the holidays with his wife - and with us. We've been fortunate that the last two years he's made it home for Christmas or close to Christmas. But not this year. So I want to make sure we get to visit him and his wife - see their apartment - get a sense of their life together - I want to be able to picture them in their daily life - at the dog park where they often take their two dogs - at the grocery store - just doing regular things We'll get to see the cutter Michael is on when he's out to sea - I think we might even get a special full tour of the boat. It'll be good to know how he lives and sleeps half the year. To meet some of their friends. To see him in his uniform!
But I do feel guilty leaving town - my dad could go any time, I guess. But at the same time, as long as I make the most of the time I can spend with him, I should be at peace with that. I know I'll miss my dad when he's gone. He is someone I can have lively discussions with, unlike with my husband. My dad is up on current events, and though we have different views about things, I do like hearing his perspective - after all, he's lived a lot longer then I have, and been through a lot more. I tend to feel that being challenged on my beliefs and values is a good thing - to rethink them and reform them - to recharge them. He knows a lot about the history of so many things. He's led a pretty amazing life. And though the last few years have been challenging for me at times to see him in a positive light, I know he is a good man with good intentions. I will miss him.
It's funny - I will miss my husband as his condition deteriorates, but I've missed him so much already - all the big parts of a marriage - the companionship, discussing situations, making decisions together. That doesn't happen any more. We always had so much fun! He calls me at work to let me know that the remote isn't working - that the channels won't change - or to ask if I'm coming home for lunch. And if I don't answer because I'm in a meeting, he calls again and again. There unfortunately isn't much substance to our conversations. It does make me sad. I do know he misses me - or maybe it's just that if I'm not home when I usually am, it upsets his routine - I'd like to think he misses me. But it has been that way for so long now - I do think when my dad is gone, it will be more evident, that I will be more lonely. Though sometimes there is so much to do between work and my husband and my dad and my kids, it seems SO stressful. And yet when things are kind of calm, I can get quite antsy - it happens to me sometimes at work - when there are weeks and weeks of working lots of hours on a lot of things, and the due date finally comes - it can be hard to figure out what to work on - even though there's lots to do, it's hard to get the pace going again when the pressure isn't there, when there's finally time to do all the things that have been put on the back burner. Happens at home too. I'm famous for my unfinished projects! I have to throw myself into things - but when something more pressing comes up, I have to put that aside - and it seems to take me awhile to come back to it - to regain the enthusiasm to keep going.
I finally have a phone appointment scheduled with ProSeniors. It's a sort of legal hotline to get some answers to some of my questions to move forward with the will we need to set up. That seemed so pressing a month or so ago - and now that I feel my energy returning, it's time to get back in the saddle and charge forward! Well, after a couple of days in Florida. Just what the doctor ordered!
Continuing this 24 hours later - long day of work in preparation for being gone - suddenly realized I should have a will in place since we're making a long road trip! Going to try to do something tomorrow evening just in case. What fun. Still haven't seen my dad as my sinuses seem to have experienced a set back again....but still getting better each day.
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