Chapter 44 Dave's World

If you're looking for something uplifting in reading this post, stop now!  Don't continue!  Close out now!  I'm in a mood this week.  Just warning you!

So, I'm feeling very much like I'm stuck in the movie Ground Hog Day, except it's called Dave's World!  I'm stuck in Dave's world.  I was reading through some posts on the Facebook page FTD Spouse when I saw in black and white the analogy for how I've been feeling.  The sameness of every day is chipping away at my soul.  I know many people are dealing with much more difficult situations with their spouses and families than I am.  Most days that keeps me going, knowing that I am blessed.  But there are days where I'm stuck in my reality it's been difficult to talk myself into recognizing all the blessings.  It's part of the cycle, and I know it will pass.  For now, I'm grieving the loss of what should be, of what I thought life would be right now in my life.  I'm grieving the loss of some one to share my life with, to dream with, to work together with.  The other day Dave mentioned he doesn't remember our wedding day.  Not such a big deal, but a little sting, a little chipping away at my soul.  Absolutely hate this disease.

I feel guilt at the lack of quality I see in Dave's daily life and feel I should be working to improve it.  He lives the same life every day with very little variation.  He's alone from about 7 in the morning until about 3 in the afternoon.  I've asked him about finding maybe a friendly visitor, or someone to take him to lunch a couple times a week.  His response:  why?  I've invited him to go for a walk along the river on these beautiful evenings we've been having - why?  He is very content with his daily routine that I judge to be so boring, so lifeless.  But I guess I'm beginning to ask myself, who am I to judge?  If he's happy - well, not necessarily happy, but content - with the way his life is, why do I keep trying to change it?  I've realized it's because I can't stand it.  Selfishly, I CAN'T STAND IT!  I can't stand the sameness of every day.  The same conversations each day about the dog doing her business, what came in the mail, and what he needs from the grocery store.  The only conversations he initiates are about things he is ruminating about, like did I lock my car?  Did I lock the doors?  Am I going to the grocery store?  He did ask me the other day what a catheter is ...?  Turns out there was a commercial for them on the game show network, and he wasn't sure what they were for.

I find myself tearing up any time I have a few moments alone, whether it's in the car, or at work, or on the back porch.  I don't think I can do this for another 15 years.  This has been going on so long that the good things about our marriage seem to be fading into the background.  A friend asked me if the Dave of fifteen years ago would want me to be trying to figure this all out, trying to make it all work, being tied to what seems like a shrinking narrow existence.  Honestly?  I can't say.  He was a person who demonstrated his love for those around him through acts of service.  He studied for the priesthood.  He was a social worker, working with the severely mentally ill, then with children's services for 18 years.  So his life was one of service, in his work and in his family life.  I can't help but think if the situation was reversed that he would be content to be taking care of me til death do us part.  That's the kind of person he was.  He would never complain.  He doesn't complain now.  The closest he gets to complaining is when he asks someone in Spanish how they are doing and they respond "muy bien".  He responds that he's never muy bien - just bien or asi asi (so so).  But he laughs about it.

So it's time for me to snap out of it - it is what it is.  And if fifteen more years is what I have left with him, I need to remember all the blessings in my life.  I need to stop feeling guilty if I meet friends for a happy hour.  I need to be ok with doing my own thing.  I need to suck it up and keep going.  And I'm probably going to need some help - it's time to check in with my doctor and make sure I'm taking the best care of myself that I can.  And I need to find ways to feed my soul.  But this all is too much some days.  Too much to see my way around it and through it.  I wish I had a better heart, a lot more patience and willingness to throw myself into the role of caregiver, and accept the challenge to be the best caregiver ever!  I'll get there.

But not today.