"I am so very tired of being all alone here," said Alice.

 Ugh.  I'm just not sure what I'm doing to myself!  It is beginning to feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Actually, it's been a roller coaster for a while.  But after the recent high, having realized that my life could be better, that I can have fun - I can relax and laugh and feel light-hearted - having experienced some hours of time where life feels good - it makes all the other hours of the days, weeks, months feel that much more low, more lonely.  It is making me question what was I thinking?  Did I think this one new friend was going to save my life?  I can't put anyone in that position.  No one wants that!  Plus, it would destroy a new fragile friendship to depend so much on someone I really don't know that well.   My epiphany that I still have life to live is now making me feel more alone.  The moments of laughing out loud, forgetting for a little while about all my caregiver duties and frustrations, having random discussions, I don't know - it felt very normal - NORMAL!  I don't think I've felt so normal for a long time.  So I rode the high for awhile, but now am riding a new low - because I can't live the normal life.  I can taste it - have glimpses of it - have moments - but now I miss it more.  

So lucky me!  I have now made myself reach a new low.  And what do I do now?  Stop texting with my new friend?  Stop meeting for breakfast every so often?  So that I don't suffer the new lows?  Or do I make the most of the new NORMAL moments?  Find other ways to create some normalcy in my life to help stay on more of a high for longer?

This is all so ridiculous!  I truly feel like I am down the rabbit hole - stuck down there!  

I think I can not give up this few hours of normal each month I've found.  It makes me want to keep on living, trying to make my way through this FTD journey.  I did start some counseling with a small practice specializing in caregiver stress.  I think it will be good.  It also is one of those things that made me feel very hopeful for a few days - then the low started again.  AAARRRGH!  A roller coaster ride for sure.

I figure if I can time the counseling with meeting up with the new friend juuuusssst right, I might be able to stretch out the highs a little longer before the lows trap me!

Man oh man.  A crazy ride.  23 years since he was fired from the first job, 11 years since diagnosis.  It has been suggested that we have ten to fifteen years to go!  So I'll be 80 and he'll be late 80's!  I don't want to wait to have some enjoyable days in my life - I may not get the chance in the future - so I'm going to grab any opportunities that come up to feel a little normal, smile alot, laugh outloud - and be a better caregiver because of it.

Take care, all.