Dave is done with physical therapy this Friday! Yay! And he's allowed to go back to his exercising at the Senior Center. When I gave him a ride for the first time and went in to make sure (at the direction of the physical therapist) he could get on and off the equipment he uses safely, I was so happy to see the response from the people there - they were all so happy to see him, giving him hugs, telling him how worried they'd been about him - it hit me how important that one hour a day is to him - how much the people there really care about him - and how welcome he feels there. It was good. And after spending two weeks with him all day long after his fall, it hit me again how "empty" his life seems to me - just watching game shows and little else. He does not seem to mind - in fact I think he was happy when I went back to work! He could do his thing without me trying to engage him in doing something else.
I've taken family medical leave through all this - part to take care of my husband, and afternoons to help take care of my dad. For the last three weeks, I've worked about fifteen hours a week. Since Thanksgiving, my dad has been declining. It is hard to watch, hard to participate, but I don't think I'd trade it for anything. It has taken more of my time - between Dave's PT, rides to other appointments, afternoons at my dad's, and three mornings a week at work - plus Christmas on top of it! - some days it feels like too much. I love the Christmas season, but this year has been a challenge to fit it in. I've had many people tell me - don't worry - people understand - you've had a lot on your plate - etc., etc., etc. While I know that is true, it doesn't make ME any happier - I want to have the time to enjoy the season, to think about Christmas presents, to decorate, to bake cookies, to wrap presents. I've done all those things - well, except I haven't baked any cookies - but I didn't enjoy them. I feel I'm getting lost in all that's going on. I don't have enough time for work, not enough time for my dad, not enough time for my husband - and not enough time for me. It's made me dream of what life could be - and makes me a little resentful of my situation. I created it myself - and I chose it myself - so I can only blame it on me. I'm the only one who can change it at this point - and seriously - it is not so bad! Ugh. I hate feeling sorry for myself, I hate the feeling I'm inviting "pity" from others. I don't want it to appear I'm out to win the award for the saddest story! I'm a strong person! Things could be SO much worse. Which adds even more to the pity party I'm throwing for myself! Which makes me feel even sorrier for myself! Silly.
It is two minutes til midnight - almost Christmas! I have the tree lights on, and I'm playing the music to Charlie Brown Christmas - all is quiet in my house. The presents are under the tree - the crèche is there, too - this is a Christmas moment for me. A little slice of heaven. It gives me peace - I look forward to it every year. This year has been different - surrounded by life changes - doing it all on my own - Dave just doesn't have it in him to "participate" in the season. At least not the way I'd like him to - not the way he used to. We had SO much fun thinking of gifts for the family and for each other. This year I had to drag him to stores with me - I just got tired of doing it alone - but he usually just wanted to sit in the car. It makes me sad. And it makes me mad. I WANT MY PARTNER BACK! I want to hold hands on the couch, talk about the day, talk about Christmas, talk about my dad, cry on his shoulder, receive some comfort and affection from him. I want him to feel something - to offer an opinion - to want to do something - to be spontaneous - to have an original thought that is normal and appropriate. IT WILL TAKE A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
Being home more over the last month - witnessing more of Dave's daily life - I do see more evidence of his disease. Today was the day for garbage to get picked up. So yesterday he put everything out - the garbage, the recycling - but in the span of about an hour and a half, he went out in to the garage twelve times, taking more garbage or recycling out, one can at a time. Six out of seven days of the week, I find the water in the bathroom sink running - sometimes just a small stream - sometimes a pretty decent stream - I've tried to ask him time and time again to stop - take a look at the sink - AND MAKE SURE THE WATER IS OFF! But to no avail. He had a small list of things he needed at the grocery store today - I explained the store was packed - could it wait til Friday? Yes, he thought it could. He had enough shampoo and deodorant and soap to get him through tomorrow - but he still had to mention he needed to go to the store four more times. My patience is wearing thin. And I'm only in the first quarter of all this! So I've enjoyed taking time to think about the things I want to change in my life - my job, which would change my attitude, which would change the feeling of helplessness I have, which would make me happy! Right? Right??? Isn't that how it works? But that seems like SO much effort - and will it effect a change in my life? I just am zapped of energy for now, but so is most everyone I know right now - so - I'll give it a few weeks - see how my dad is doing - he wants to make it to January 1 because he wants to see the Buckeyes play Alabama in the playoffs! He is certain the Buckeyes will win!
Well, time for bed - or Santa won't come! I DO believe, I DO believe, I DO believe!!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment