Chapter 37 "You're not the same as you were before," he said. "You were much more ..... muchier."

I took a video of Dave last weekend, asking him some questions.  It's something I've been thinking of doing for awhile, thinking if I do it annually, it might be another way to capture change.  I was surprised at my response to viewing it.  It of course made me sad.  It shows his blunted emotions - it would appear he is a very depressed person.  And yet he claims to be a happy guy.  It confirmed his weakness at explaining things, at putting together his thoughts, how hard it is for him to form an original thought.  It also seemed his life is so so lonely and awful.  I don't know.  He isn't aware anything is missing from his life.  So is it missing?  I guess this is his normal.  But it seems so narrow and concrete and sad.  A blessing for him that he doesn't feel that or know it.  It seems sometimes he gives answers that he may have heard before or that he thinks he should say.  My daughter cried when she watched it. 

I learned a lot about what I need to do to engage him in conversation.  I need to ask specific leading questions to get him started.  If his sense of himself was normal, I would think this must have been a very stressful exercise as he struggled to answer what I thought were some pretty simple questions that might evoke a spark.  But I had to be more direct.  I had him look at it - he said he thought it was good. 

This video is flawed in that I had the phone turned the wrong way to record the video the best way...I should have had him sitting at a table or something so it wasn't so unflattering....knowing what I know now about how he processes questions, I would have changed my questions.  But then it wouldn't demonstrate the loss we have suffered thus far.  He was always a very animated person - people considered him the life of the party and when we were dating and first married, our friends would say no party was complete without him!  He always had a twinkle in his eye, and a devilish sense of humor.  When a person meets him nowadays, he always talks loudly and animatedly in Spanish.  People tell me he seems to be doing so well!  I see what's missing - the young man who twirled me around the dance floor non-stop at our wedding.  The young father who sang to his kids every night when he tucked them in for bed.  The man who had his kids convinced that if they all said "cambia la luz" at a red light, it would change to green!  I could go on and on.  All wonderful memories.  I wish he was still here with us, especially on Father's Day.  I miss him.

Here goes - it's a very amatuer production!  But it tells a story.  It is what it is.